Wild coincidence but I was just thinking about this today too! https://twitter.com/lishiyori/status/1609645789264986112 <- The context was my New Years Eve plans last night, where I was supposed to go to two parties (one made up mostly of my friends, another bigger louder party that would have more chances to meet new people)... I ended up staying at my friends', but struggled with that decision mightily because I kept thinking (as someone very much looking for a romantic partner) things like 'what if that other place was where I'd bump into my future husband'? Should I have pushed myself out to a "bigger pool", rather than stayed with people I already knew? But that kind of thought made me feel so terrible and cynical too, like all I cared about was a numbers game and I was giving up something important to "maximize" my success. How could I be the kind of person who couldn't commit to her own friends?
So I've been thinking a lot about that tension, given a finite amount of time and social capacity, how to take care of your existing people while searching for new people. I feel terribly guilty about some friends who I have lost touch with due to getting involved in new social circles and spending so much time exploring potential nodes of connection rather than deepening my existing ones. But I really don't know what to do. I have tried to combine different circles before (more efficient! see more of my friends at once etc) and birthday parties are definitely one of the best contexts for that, but I found that the kinds of conversation I have with people are different in one-on-one or small-group settings: deeper, more intimate, more vulnerable. Large parties make for small conversation.
I have thought about calendly, but haven't been able to get over the embarrassment part 😅 I'd appreciate if you follow up with a post on how your experiment goes! So far, I've noticed that little things that have been really useful are 1) taking the initiative to ping people, even if you can't match schedules and meet up irl it's still showing that they're in your thoughts, and it opens up the road to more regular/deeper convos; 2) giving birthday cards/gifts (with a thoughtful comment!) at their birthday, in my early-30s-NYC friends' groups that is quite rare unless you are super close friends; and 2) discord, because it's so easy to chat everyday in there if a few other people are also active, and I've definitely grown closer with people who I'm effectively "talking" to every day even if we never see each other irl. Discord somehow feels easier than texting (possibly due to the web UI?), yet more substantial than drive-by instagram comments/DMs. Not everyone uses Discord though, especially not routinely, so I'm still searching for approaches besides the big ones like moving closer to a friends' circle.
One thing I've been thinking about recently is what to do with the appearance of the 'what if that other place was where I'd bump into my future husband' kind of feelings. Where some very big desire occurs to you that's really hard to shake, then you get down on your self for not being able to attain it (or taking the "right" steps to attain it), and then you get down on yourself for having the desire in the first place because it's so clearly, so obviously silly and maladaptive! There's definitely a lot going on here. But recently, I've tried to be more mindful of reacting to that emotional cascade in a different way: by savoring it. There is something beautiful and worthwhile about that kind of intensity of feeling. There's very few situations in like that can evoke that kind of intensity of emotion. And honestly, there's something I really love about it.
Parties are one of the situations that can elicit this emotion. This is something I was thinking about recently in the context of narrative. Toward the end of this year I read Crossroads by Jonathan Franzen (my third Franzen, and I can't recommend his novels enough for an exploration of the theme of relationships/family). I also watched both seasons of Euphoria (also so good!!). One narrative strategy that they both share is that large parts of the story revolve around single events, usually parties. A huge amount of the plot is dedicated to people, like, thinking about what they want to have happen at parties, then talking to people at parties, then dealing with the consequences of whatever happened at the party! That makes me think that these kind of feelings are not just you, and not just me. They're just human.
I think most of us can stand to get "better" at making and maintaining friendships. But I also think there's a lot of room for recognizing the fundamental messiness of human social relations.
Anyway! Just some thoughts based on your comment. Will keep you updated on my experiments throughout the year :)
Oh gosh I would not have linked Euphoria with Franzen, but I haven't really consumed much of either so that sounds super interesting! It makes sense to me that so much of our emotional world is colored by these large social events like parties - our relationships with other people evoke the strongest feelings, and parties have that interesting dynamic where you're juggling multiple relationships at different levels (meeting strangers and trying to feel out the potential chemistry, engaging in private convos with old friends, trying to escape bad conversations or figure out how to make them more interesting - they're all testing very different social skills in your toolbox, which can be a tremendously beautiful thing).
I completely agree with your thought that the intense emotions are far better to have than not; I'm a fairly laidback, moderate, maybe even *too* moderate person relative to my friends and there have been more than a few times where I wished I was *more* dramatic, the type of person who'd chase after her partner in a fight or vent pages and pages worth of feeling or not eat for weeks from heartbreak. It does annoy me that the one emotion that is so salient in me is anxiety, but maybe that's just how I process something that has stakes. It shows that something matters to me, when I can't really recognize it by acting out the way some of my friends do. In any case it is a feeling that I want to "solve" (so I can move on to new anxieties! lol) but haven't been able to figure out the best way to do it: by taking action? (but I already do, and weirdly the effort only seems to drive me further) or by accepting acceptance, a la stoicism? And yet caring about something less doesn't make me feel good either, for precisely the reason you laid out - that I don't particularly want to live a more muted life, even if it makes me feel better.
Thanks for your thoughtful response! I'm very much looking forward to your newsletter for this new year 😁
I think all your ideas are great. Birthdays are great to reclaim as we get older! ;)
A year or so ago post covid shutdown a not that close friend organized a series of friend dinners where we had dinner together in their apt, only like 6-8 people at a time. This was very rare since covid, but I took his offer as inspiration to also Be someone who offers and connects with others to sustain relationships. Because even if were to lose every material thing we possess, we will never be in need if we nurture and show appreciation for our loved ones, and even the ones we barely know! They are all potential loved ones, who knows if one doesn't even try? 😁
Wild coincidence but I was just thinking about this today too! https://twitter.com/lishiyori/status/1609645789264986112 <- The context was my New Years Eve plans last night, where I was supposed to go to two parties (one made up mostly of my friends, another bigger louder party that would have more chances to meet new people)... I ended up staying at my friends', but struggled with that decision mightily because I kept thinking (as someone very much looking for a romantic partner) things like 'what if that other place was where I'd bump into my future husband'? Should I have pushed myself out to a "bigger pool", rather than stayed with people I already knew? But that kind of thought made me feel so terrible and cynical too, like all I cared about was a numbers game and I was giving up something important to "maximize" my success. How could I be the kind of person who couldn't commit to her own friends?
So I've been thinking a lot about that tension, given a finite amount of time and social capacity, how to take care of your existing people while searching for new people. I feel terribly guilty about some friends who I have lost touch with due to getting involved in new social circles and spending so much time exploring potential nodes of connection rather than deepening my existing ones. But I really don't know what to do. I have tried to combine different circles before (more efficient! see more of my friends at once etc) and birthday parties are definitely one of the best contexts for that, but I found that the kinds of conversation I have with people are different in one-on-one or small-group settings: deeper, more intimate, more vulnerable. Large parties make for small conversation.
I have thought about calendly, but haven't been able to get over the embarrassment part 😅 I'd appreciate if you follow up with a post on how your experiment goes! So far, I've noticed that little things that have been really useful are 1) taking the initiative to ping people, even if you can't match schedules and meet up irl it's still showing that they're in your thoughts, and it opens up the road to more regular/deeper convos; 2) giving birthday cards/gifts (with a thoughtful comment!) at their birthday, in my early-30s-NYC friends' groups that is quite rare unless you are super close friends; and 2) discord, because it's so easy to chat everyday in there if a few other people are also active, and I've definitely grown closer with people who I'm effectively "talking" to every day even if we never see each other irl. Discord somehow feels easier than texting (possibly due to the web UI?), yet more substantial than drive-by instagram comments/DMs. Not everyone uses Discord though, especially not routinely, so I'm still searching for approaches besides the big ones like moving closer to a friends' circle.
One thing I've been thinking about recently is what to do with the appearance of the 'what if that other place was where I'd bump into my future husband' kind of feelings. Where some very big desire occurs to you that's really hard to shake, then you get down on your self for not being able to attain it (or taking the "right" steps to attain it), and then you get down on yourself for having the desire in the first place because it's so clearly, so obviously silly and maladaptive! There's definitely a lot going on here. But recently, I've tried to be more mindful of reacting to that emotional cascade in a different way: by savoring it. There is something beautiful and worthwhile about that kind of intensity of feeling. There's very few situations in like that can evoke that kind of intensity of emotion. And honestly, there's something I really love about it.
Parties are one of the situations that can elicit this emotion. This is something I was thinking about recently in the context of narrative. Toward the end of this year I read Crossroads by Jonathan Franzen (my third Franzen, and I can't recommend his novels enough for an exploration of the theme of relationships/family). I also watched both seasons of Euphoria (also so good!!). One narrative strategy that they both share is that large parts of the story revolve around single events, usually parties. A huge amount of the plot is dedicated to people, like, thinking about what they want to have happen at parties, then talking to people at parties, then dealing with the consequences of whatever happened at the party! That makes me think that these kind of feelings are not just you, and not just me. They're just human.
I think most of us can stand to get "better" at making and maintaining friendships. But I also think there's a lot of room for recognizing the fundamental messiness of human social relations.
Anyway! Just some thoughts based on your comment. Will keep you updated on my experiments throughout the year :)
Oh gosh I would not have linked Euphoria with Franzen, but I haven't really consumed much of either so that sounds super interesting! It makes sense to me that so much of our emotional world is colored by these large social events like parties - our relationships with other people evoke the strongest feelings, and parties have that interesting dynamic where you're juggling multiple relationships at different levels (meeting strangers and trying to feel out the potential chemistry, engaging in private convos with old friends, trying to escape bad conversations or figure out how to make them more interesting - they're all testing very different social skills in your toolbox, which can be a tremendously beautiful thing).
I completely agree with your thought that the intense emotions are far better to have than not; I'm a fairly laidback, moderate, maybe even *too* moderate person relative to my friends and there have been more than a few times where I wished I was *more* dramatic, the type of person who'd chase after her partner in a fight or vent pages and pages worth of feeling or not eat for weeks from heartbreak. It does annoy me that the one emotion that is so salient in me is anxiety, but maybe that's just how I process something that has stakes. It shows that something matters to me, when I can't really recognize it by acting out the way some of my friends do. In any case it is a feeling that I want to "solve" (so I can move on to new anxieties! lol) but haven't been able to figure out the best way to do it: by taking action? (but I already do, and weirdly the effort only seems to drive me further) or by accepting acceptance, a la stoicism? And yet caring about something less doesn't make me feel good either, for precisely the reason you laid out - that I don't particularly want to live a more muted life, even if it makes me feel better.
Thanks for your thoughtful response! I'm very much looking forward to your newsletter for this new year 😁
I think all your ideas are great. Birthdays are great to reclaim as we get older! ;)
A year or so ago post covid shutdown a not that close friend organized a series of friend dinners where we had dinner together in their apt, only like 6-8 people at a time. This was very rare since covid, but I took his offer as inspiration to also Be someone who offers and connects with others to sustain relationships. Because even if were to lose every material thing we possess, we will never be in need if we nurture and show appreciation for our loved ones, and even the ones we barely know! They are all potential loved ones, who knows if one doesn't even try? 😁
I agree! A good dinner party covers a multitude of sins.
"life is understood backwards but lived forward"
I have come to see how true this really is, thanks for seeding it for the day ✨